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Report - Burwood Park Bowling Club, Christchurch - August 2016

Discussion in 'European and International Sites' started by WildBoyz, Aug 12, 2016.

  1. WildBoyz

    WildBoyz Is this the future?
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    History

    Burwood Bowling Club was established on Burwood Park in 1958; although, the first formal lease was not entered into until 1987. The first lease acknowledged the use of the facility by Burwood Indoor Bowling Club and the Ladies Bowling Club. The facility itself, which comprises a two storey clubhouse and a large outdoor bowling green, was built on the edge of the park to avoid intruding significantly on the park’s open space. In 2007, when applying for a new lease, the club’s total membership stood at 148; this number included 10 life members 18 social members. As the land was not required for any other sport or recreational use, the club was given priority over releasing the land.

    The infamous Canterbury earthquakes of 2011 closed the facility without warning. As the land in the Burwood area is naturally soft, liquefaction destroyed the bowling green and rendered the clubhouse’s foundations unstable. All access to the site was prohibited shortly after the disaster occurred, and since then the club has remained abandoned. There have been several petitions and attempts to reopen or convert the former bowling club, so that it can become a sporting hub for the local; however, no plans have been approved.

    After the earthquake and subsequent liquefaction

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    Our Version of Events

    It's been a fantastic start to the 2016 Olympics these past few days and many UK athletes have been working their socks off to earn plenty of medals; which of course our country desperately needs, so they can melt the gold and silver ones into bullion and feed the country’s economy as the rest of Europe finishes building a virtual Hadrian’s Wall 2.0 around the island. But, that’s all OK, because presently we’re in the spirit of the games, and for the time being we’re caught up in the ‘international community spirit’ of sport. Regardless of the ridiculous expense, evictions of poor people and the inevitable demise of the ‘Olympic Legacy’, there’s nothing better than a bit of sport to bring everyone together!

    Inspired by these events, WildBoyz decided to enter the 2016 lawn bowling event – basically because we're a bit shit at most other Olympic sports, and lawn bowling traditionally involves a clubhouse (a building that tends to have beer and dominos inside it). Don’t worry, we had the foresight to take our own shower curtains; we heard the Rio Olympic organisers can’t guarantee you’ll get one.

    Now, there was a wee bit of a fuck-up surrounding this whole endeavour. On our travels we stumbled across Burwood Park Bowling Green and, subsequently, following a very slight lapse in all conscious and rational thought, we forgot we were in New Zealand and mistook the site as being one of Rio’s facilities. Clearly our excitement for the games got the better of us. Arguably, however, this was quite an easy mistake to make, given that the Olympic diving pool turned green and there happens to be more bacteria in Rio’s water than a sewer in Bradford. Based on these well-known facts, we simply assumed that the lawnmower chaps had forgotten to lay out a bit of EverGreen and trim the weeds down. Therefore, sure the games were still on, we spent five minutes in the car park doing a couple of lunges and squats to warm up.

    Dressed to impress (see above), we entered the grand arena through the back gate. The front door seemed a bit touristy; not something sporting legends like ourselves are accustomed to. Plus, we wanted to avoid the media storm. Like darts players will attest, we couldn’t risk injuring our throwing arms by signing too many signatures. Instead, we held our arms high in the air, ready to acknowledge the loud cheers and applause we were about to receive. As anticipated, a loud eruption exploded as we stepped onto the paving stones by the side of the green. Unfortunately, this turned out to be the gate we’d just walked through; having been used one too many times it had fallen off its hinges. Glancing around us, there was no-one. In a scene reminiscent of the 28days chat-box on a Sunday, other than stranton waving from the middle of the overgrown green and a tumbleweed rolling past, the place was silent. Figuring the other teams must be in the clubhouse already, we headed past stranton in the direction of the derelict-looking clubhouse.

    In the front entrance of the clubhouse, we found the registration table. Apparently, you had to whip your torches out and compare lumens. As ever, we were ready for a bit of torch talk and got out our new windup olight triple X600 bbCi Xtreme Bright-ish safety nightlights; they’re designed especially for idiots who wander aimlessly around abandoned buildings. No one had anything to rival these bad boys, so registration was an absolute doddle. Ojay, who was sat behind the desk and dressed in a suspiciously patchy-brown florescent safety jacket, glanced at us disapprovingly and told us to take our bowling membership form and fuck off into main hall. Feeling excited that we’d just met the sewer-bowling champion of England, who has seventeen and a half Olympic gold medals, for the first time, we grabbed our form and entered the next room in high spirits.

    Inside the main hall of the clubhouse, we came across another team. While we’d been expecting lots of tight Lycra and Spandex, they were all sporting shorts, flip-flops and reversed baseball caps. Obviously they were the Kiwi team. We were a bit surprised to see that they all had joints in their hands; we were pretty sure they’d fail the drug testing trials that take place after throwing the bowls. They even offered it around, so we guessed drug testing mustn’t be an issue in lawn bowling. We chatted to the other team for a while, and stranton (he’d come indoors at this point) who was there representing Hawaii (which explained his strange shirt and shorts combination), as we waited for the other competitors to turn up. In that time, we had a quick look at the bar upstairs, but for some reason it was absolutely fucked. The decorators seemed to have painted their names all over the place, the bar staff clearly hadn’t ordered enough beer seeing as they’d already run out and there were a few marks on the spectator windows overlooking the green. To our disappointment, the only beer they had left was ‘Corruption’, brewed in Rio, but it had a wee bit of a bitter aftertaste. Apparently, some guy called Diddly Fraud made it, and sometimes he tends to skimp on the ingredients.

    And then, before we knew it, we were before the crowds ready to play a game of bowls. The first throw was ours, so our first competitor twirled his arm around in large circles several times and lobbed the ball. Apparently it was supposed to land next to someone called Jack, but for the life of us we couldn’t find him out there. He must have been a short fellow among all that long grass. Maybe a Chinese volunteer? Anyway, to cut a long story short, Russia won. We were slightly suspicious that they were using body enhancing drugs, because one of their athletes, Helga of the Mountains of Belukha, had a pretty mean handlebar moustache, and there was a strange bulge between her legs which she kept scratching with her meaty fingers. Nevertheless, we didn’t wish to speculate; Russia have never been caught taking drugs in the lawn bowling championship before, so we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. In the end, WildBoyz finished in third from last place. Fortunately, for us, the French team all came down with the shits and ended up missing the whole event, so we didn’t quite earn the ‘well done for trying’ pity medal. Stranton, too, had ended up spotting a pretty little thing over by some mistletoe bushes (a spicy little unexplored culvert that winds its way to Sunderland apparently), and he’d wandered off before it was his throw. As a result, Ojay had disqualified him, and banned him from the full member’s bowling section of the forum, forever.

    Once again, however, you have been deceived. Regrettably, everything you just read was fictitious; we made it up because we had nothing better to say about an abandoned lawn bowling place. We can only apologise for wasting your time.

    * We are aware that lawn bowling is not an ‘Olympic sport’; it is only a Commonwealth Game. Interesting fact, though, lawn bowling was not included in the 1966 programme, because Jamaica had no sufficient bowling greens.

    ** To our knowledge, Ojay and stranton were not at any sort of lawn bowling event around this date. Stranton is not permanently banned from the full members lawn bowling section of the forum either.


    Explored with Ford Mayhem, Meek-Kune-Do, Rizla Rider, The Hurricane, Box, Husky and Nillskill.

    The 2016 Rio Olympics

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    #1 WildBoyz, Aug 12, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2016
    tazong, WatchDog82 and degenerate like this.

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  2. degenerate

    degenerate 28DL Full Member
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    Nice, shame about all the mindless tagging :( It's good to see all this stuff from New Zealand.
     
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  3. tazong

    tazong 28DL Full Member
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    you certainly get about fella - great stuff
     
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  4. WildBoyz

    WildBoyz Is this the future?
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    Yeah, unfortunately things get tagged pretty quickly in Australasia :( Glad you're enjoying the NZ stuff :thumb

    Thanks mate :)
     
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